I'm 35 Ya'll !!!

I wanted to write today…I used to write a lot and keep journals when I was younger. Despite how I always plan to do it more, there is never enough time. Today I just felt like I needed to do this for myself and if anyone can take something from it, then that would be awesome!

I think when I was in high school, I saw this age as a time when so many people own who they are and wear it proudly. It’s almost as if you’re still young enough to rock your youth, but old enough to not care what people think of you anymore. I guess thats why I chose 35 to be a marker for me in finding myself.

There was a lot of sadness for me in my early twenties. I spent the good part of my days suffering with horrible anxiety, obsessing over the wrong peoples opinions of me and dwelling on pains of my past. I lost a solid 4 years to all of that, unfortunately. However, I knew I had to move on from the hurts, my mistakes and forgive people and forgive myself. I had myself convinced I would never find love, I would never have a good career, I would never know true happiness. Draining right? I mean I really believed that garbage! However, I didn’t want to believe it. I recognized that no one could help me, I needed to help myself. The first step was learning to love myself and find some shred of courage to start changing.

This is me around 24 trying to open my heart. Even though I had moments of happiness, I also would have moments when I felt really discouraged and doubted myself.

Thats the beauty of life…you can literally wake up one day and start a new chapter. Its that simple. People over complicate change. I’m not sure why we do that. It’s this amazing gift that every single human alive has and its one that too many take for granted. It doesn’t matter who you are, what your circumstances are or what your past looks like, you can take steps toward change the moment you set your mind to do it! I always imagined my life like a book. I know I sound so crazy, but I started that really young. I see it kind of like different chapters. I mean what book have you read where every single chapter was all sunshine and rainbows. It would be so boring. When we read or watch a movie, we expect something will go wrong. We feel the emotions of the saddest and most difficult parts as we anticipate the inevitable triumph after. So why don’t we do that with our own lives?

My husband and I met a year after I had actually started to take responsibility for my happiness and well being. I had made some good progress, but I was still very vulnerable I think. He brought so much good into my life and I was seeing a new found confidence that I never had before. Even with all the love he gave me, I still struggled with insecurities and self esteem. I had to work at it all the time. I realize now that part of me is one part of me I may always have to work on. At the time, I would constantly put other peoples needs and feelings before my own, to the point it was actually ridiculous. I also was a new mom, newly married and starting a new career all at the same time, not to mention I was pretty sick with chronic Lyme and Rhumetoid arthritis. I’ve written about those struggles before. I felt like crap…so mentally and physically exhausted! All that I knew to do was work as hard as I could, set goals for myself, and just take one day at a time. Eventually I hoped I would get somewhere. I tried to read on growth and healing, but I just felt like it was all too deep for me. Even though I am sensitive and analytical, I like simplicity in life. When people get too deep, they take me down. I heard a great statement once. Out of all the things I had read and all the advice I had been given, I have no clue why one small sentence clicked in me. “Do what you know is right and then you will know what to do”. I was like, okay now that I can apply to every aspect of my life and use it as a reminder! So I did. That one little phrase helped me to not react out of emotion, but to teach myself to think logically in so many situations.

When we were newly married, Peter and I had to figured a lot out on our own. We had a lot more pressure on us than most. So much changed so fast and we were not financially prepared or ready for any of it. We have worked so hard at building the life we wanted together and we leaned on one another a lot. There were definitely hardships along the way. There was a time I thought maybe we just had the worst luck out of anyone we knew. Nothing was going right and it was a constant struggle. Then one day I was like NO, this is not happening anymore. We need to be positive. We stayed focussed, we kept our faith and we changed our perspective. We deserved good things and we knew God wanted to give us the desires of our hearts. We went from feeling so defeated, to believing with all our hearts that we WOULD have our goals met. Thats why I truly believe people can do anything they set their minds to.

I was 25 years old when I finally started to take small baby steps toward making a good life for myself and I was 30 years old when I knew I was in the thick of the change, that has brought me to where I am today. Not a whole lot came easy to me. More often than not I had to learn the hard way. When I say there was a time in my life when I had zero self worth…I literally mean ZERO. It breaks my heart thinking back to that girl I was. It is so sad to think I felt so poorly of myself, but also amazing to see where God has brought me and how he helped me find my way through everything. My journey took years! I stayed focussed by telling myself it wasn’t a race, this is my life and it has to happen in my time. I can say now with a lot of pride, that I did accomplish all of my goals and it feels so good to know that I achieved everything I wanted to at this point. I also understand now that I am NEVER going to get to a place where there is nothing to work on, no goals to be set and nothing to learn. We are always in that process. So I am excited to see where the next 5 years brings me. Change can happen in the blink of an eye, but growth takes time. I think the best part of it happening that way, is how much you’re able to take from it. You only see your growth and wisdom when you’re looking back. I learned so much over the last 10 years. Really good stuff that has helped me to be a better wife, a better mother, a better friend and a good employer. I’d like to share some of those things I learned incase someone needs to read it. Whatever we experience in life, whether its good or bad…what value does it have if we can’t share it and maybe help or inspire someone else?

Perspective is a very powerful thing! However, you cannot forget that everyone perceives things differently.

It sucks to not be able to choose how things end up, but we can embrace it. Accepting things for what they are is so freeing.

Setting goals for yourself is important. Even when you set forth to accomplish something, again, understand not everything works out and turns out as planned. That is why your perspective is crucial.

Always be prepared for change, because its inevitable and it happens often.

Friendships come and go, but sometimes they come back again with a better appreciation then was there before. So if they go, let them go and if people come back into your life embrace them for who they are in the present, not for what they were in the past. Cherish the people who truly know you and love you for all that you are. It is way too much work to not have honest relationships or to have relationships with way too many expectations. It’s 2020, we all have a million things going on and we have to stop getting so offended by everything and just accept people for where they’re at and what they can give. Its healthy to create a little distance in relationships sometimes.

Don’t be hurt by the people that never compliment you. Most times they are struggling with a confidence within themselves…maybe they are the ones that truly need the reassurance, so give it to them. Hey, maybe they just have a lot on their brain, so don’t hang onto the opinions of others to assure you that you look amazing or you’re doing awesome, tell yourself! I mean, Im not great at telling myself that stuff, but I know I should!

You won’t get back what you give in life. I literally tell my daughter you get back what you give in life, but its a lie. We don’t. Nonetheless, we should never stop giving. Just set strong boundaries with everyone. Make sure you know every persons place in your life, because sometimes people are not meant to be what you think they are meant to be and thats okay!

People will hurt you and they won’t always apologize for it. Forgive them and let it go, because you’ve probably hurt people as well and had no idea that you did.

I’ve tried to fit into molds of who I thought I should be or maybe who I hoped I could be and it never works out. It feels super awkward too. Just be yourself, for real! Just be honest about who you are, what you’re about and what you feel. People won’t always accept you or agree with you anyway, so you might as well be true to yourself at the very least.

Don’t put expectation on people. This was a tough one for me to learn! I kept thinking why don’t people think like me, why doesn’t this person care as much as I do, or why do they make issues over things that I would never make an issue over. Relationships serve all different purposes in our lives. We really just disappoint ourselves over and over by trying to make them into what we think they should be. It also can ruin relationships that could otherwise be fine, if we just stopped trying to control so much.

Your worth doesn’t come from what you have accomplished or what your life looks like to everyone around you. It really does come from within. You have to be able to be alone and still know you are loved in order to truly own your worth.

Happiness is what you make of every situation. Its a choice and if you struggle with it no matter how hard you try, then there is help available to us all. Take the help and get the push you need!

Words have power! What you dwell on, what you speak over your life is what will consume you! FOR REAL! If you literally change your thoughts, you change everything! It is so crazy how just changing your mindset can make such a difference in your life. That alone was the first thing I needed to do for myself. I remember consciously having to tell myself you deserve love, you deserve happiness and you will have it one day.

You will never ever set yourself back by enjoying someone else’s successes. They say money is the root of all evil, but I am not convinced! I think jealousy is the ugliest thing. It disguises itself so that people don’t realize it’s what they’re feeling. Learn to recognize it for what it is, and get rid of it! It will make you miserable and destroy relationships.

I feel like I can ramble on and on, but I won’t. I have just learned so much and I am so grateful for all of it.

I just think its important to know that peoples lives aren’t always what they seem. We all experience hardships at different times in life and in different ways. So don’t compare. You never really know what someone has been through or what they have yet to go through.

Life really goes fast, so don’t waste your energy on things that are irrelevant in the big picture. I always keep in mind that every day is a gift and I want to make the most of my time. Some days i’m killing it and so on my game and other days I feel like I accomplish nothing. Both are good. We need a balance of both. With that said, don’t waste your days circling around the same circumstances hoping for a different result. Move on. We have to. Even if moving on means staying where you are, but changing your mindset.

I usually feel silly celebrating my birthday, but this year I am so excited about my birthday! I have no plans and I am just home, but its perfect. I hope anyone reading this can take something good from it. I feel so much better writing it, because now I feel ready to take on whatever comes next!